Childfree

Possummomma (aka, Atheist in a mini van).: Childfree Query

Interesting discussion going on at Pmomma's blog about people who don't want kids. I don't want kids. I've never wanted kids. I very actively don't want kids to the point that it's a complete deal breaker on relationships. That is one thing that I don't think anyone can have their mind changed on. Either you want or you don't, and I don't think there is anything rational or emotional that anyone can say that will change how you feel about it. Kids are nowhere in my future and I don't want to be with anyone does want kids. It wouldn't be fair to them and it wouldn't be fair to me. I could be with a theist who does not want kids far, far easier than I could be with an atheist who does.

I really just want to comment on a couple of the comments from the discussion at Pmomma's blog. Some of this will be repeated from my own comments there.

Kilted Dad says...
I think TrojanMan is 29, and I think he should give it some more time. I know and 29 I was very lukewarm to having kids. Now, I can't imagine why I waited so long.

This one actually offended me. I know these "you'll come around when you get older" type people and they can never tell me what is actually supposed to change. It seems to be more of an "I was waiting to have kids so you must be too" or "My kids are everything to me so you're supposed to feel the same way." This particular comment gets me even more because I am 29 as well, and he is implying that, at 29 years old, with more than a third of my life gone, I'm still not capable of understanding what I want. He says that he was "lukewarm" to having kids. I am not "lukewarm" to having kids. I am cold on the idea, ice-cold, and my aversion gets stronger every day.

Another mistake he makes is generalizing every person to his experience. As I said before, wanting or not wanting kids is a personal thing, and, as such, it is impossible to generalize. If I were basing everyone on the way I feel about the subject, I would think that no one would ever have any more kids, and our species would die out within 100 years. In practice, I know that most people want kids. In practice, I know that some people want a lot of kids. On a personal level, I honestly cannot even fathom how anyone can possibly want to have kids. I simply can't wrap my mind around it. My personal aversion to the idea is so high, that I can't understand anyone having the desire. I can't even imagine being indifferent to it, but I still know that most people do want kids. People like Kilted Dad can't seem to grasp that there really are people who simply have no desire to procreate, because he is not able to step outside of his own experiences. I admit that I have trouble stepping outside myself, but at least I do recognize that you can't cast all people in the same mold.

Karen said...
I'd like to generalize my earlier observation about understanding why you do or don't want to have kids. If you think a situation through carefully, truly understand your own motivations, and make a reasonable attempt to consider side effects, then you will make the best decision you possibly can. No guilt allowed, though you may be sorry for unintended consequences, or those that might be hurt by your decision.

I repeat: you made the best decision you could at the time; no guilt allowed. Understanding this concept is incredibly freeing.

I really like this comment, and I'll freely admit that my desire to not have kids is primarily selfish, though I think that the reasons for anyone wanting to have kids are ultimately selfish as well (makes them feel good/loved, gives them a sense of immortality, etc). For starters, I simply do not like being around kids, even for five minutes. People say that it will be different with my own, but this is typically coming from people who like kids anyway. I'm very certain that if a random child annoys me after five minutes, I would find it incredibly difficult to put up with one for the 10+ years they stay annoying, even if they were mine. I also don't want my life and my plans interrupted by having to raise a kid, because a kid is definitely not in the plan. As little sense as this makes, I'm also fairly certain that I would feel a level of resentment towards the child for interrupting my life. Now, I already admitted my reasons were selfish, but it would be completely unfair for me to bring a child into the world feeling about children the way I do. I would ultimately be unhappy for the duration and that unhappyness and resentment would not be transparent to the child, and that wouldn't be fair to either of us.